The confusion is understandable. It is normal to be conflicted about divorcing. This is one of the most important and difficult decisions you will ever face. It is not a decision that should be made on the spur of the moment or without careful consideration and planning.

Clarifying what is bothering you and your relationship is the first step toward understanding the choices and decisions you face. Nobody expects a divorce on their wedding day.

If you are considering divorce, do any of these resonate for you?

• Maybe you’ve started to imagine life without your spouse—and it feels good. You fantasize about a new, happier life, perhaps with a lover. At the same time, you are disturbed by this fantasy because you are aware that your marriage is in serious trouble. Or perhaps you’ve met someone new who appears to meet your needs in a way that your spouse does not.
• You may feel so hopeless and discouraged about your marriage that you see no other option but to end it.
• There has frequently been some kind of betrayal. Perhaps you’re involved in an ongoing or unresolved affair. You feel completely unloved, or even worse, neglected and degraded.
• Your spouse has let you down in a significant way. Perhaps your spouse has made no financial contributions to your marriage and is completely reliant on your financial support. Maybe you believe your spouse is untrustworthy. You have the impression that you are doing all of the work in the relationship.
• There might have been issues with abusive or coercive control. In this situation, you will need to devise a safety plan, which is especially important if you have children. If there has been violence, the decision to divorce may precipitate a violent outburst when your spouse believes he or she has nothing left to lose.
• You are lonely and you have dried up intimately. You may be drawn to another person—and you recognize this as an alarming warning sign.
• You feel that you have tried all to revive your dying marriage. Maybe in the past you’ve been looking for advice and “it didn’t work.” I often hear that my customers went to a few sessions before I quit the treatment.
• You feel that you just got out of hand. You don’t have anything to talk about, interest or activities to share, and you would prefer to be with friends instead of your wife. You no longer discuss anything else but logistics, who is going to shop for dinner and who is going to pick the children up.
• You used to help each other out, and it was vital to each of you to provide and receive that help. Now you feel unfriendly and you realize that you don’t support your wife in particular.
• A mountain of resentments has been swept under the rug. You have not spoken or resolved about them. You don’t want to talk about it. You’re not only hopeless, but you don’t care about that, either.

You find that you are no longer in agreement about important matters: how your children can be raised, how they can spend money and your long life vision. Many of your objectives are totally incompatible.